Torches
I had to light a match
To escape
To find a way
Out
Of this mineshaft of a marriage
So
Suffocated
Blinded
Cold
Misled
By promises of gold
No gems to be had
Here
I had to light a match
To see at last
The cracks
In the scaffolding
Crumbling
Under the weight
Of illusions and the
Pieces of all my boundaries
Dismantled and stacked like Kindling
On bleeding knees I
Crawled toward
Stars
Signaling in the dim
Distance
Trusting their faint heat
Still warmer
Than anything here
And
Finally stood on
Damp earth smelling of
New life
I had to throw down
That match –
Burn down the
Remnants of what
Imprisoned me –
Offer it up to
Gods of survival and
Resurrection
In gratitude for release
I had to throw down
That match
To fire a wall of
Light
Around me
A membrane of flame
No poison
Shall cross again
And those stars threw
Down their flames
Into that field of dead corn
Setting alight
The corpses of those
Illusions which had burned me
And
They became Torches
Leading me to
Liberation
Leaving a toxic, abusive relationship is hard. On average, women return to their abusive partners seven times before they leave for good. There are many reasons women remain and return— lack of funds, supportive child care, and independent sustainable income; receiving the message that they are incapable of surviving on their own; and the intermittent reinforcement of hot and cold treatment in such relationships which actualy creates the same effect in the brain as a chemical dependence. Toxic relationships are an addiction where the toxic partner is both the drug and the dealer, and women remain in hopes of another hit of love, not knowing when it, or, what the abuser mimics as love, will come. So much of their abuser’s behavior is one form or another of manipulation, whatever guise it takes in any given moment, especially when dealing with narcissists and sociopaths. I’ve learned with such people that everything is an act, nothing is sincere, because they are incapable of sincerity. That is the pathway out of the mineshaft of the toxic relationship. Of course, men also suffer from toxic relationships and partners, so these things apply to them as well, although some of the challenges noted above in leaving are often more applicable to women.
We are lured in by promises of treasure. They are empty promises forever going unfulfilled inside a dark chasm where the exit is often obscured.
Instead, through the darkness of my abuse, and the deep dark of myself where I found a small flame still guttering after all, I discovered my gold in the form of the return of my poetry as I write myself back to wholeness.
Gold is also used in the Japanese artform of Kintsugi, meaning, “golden repair.” It is an ancient technique used to reassemble broken pottery by pouring liquid gold into the seams, rendering the repaired product even more beautiful than it was before breakage.
The root of the name Aurelia is ‘aurum,’ meaning ‘gold’ in Latin. My golden treasure of poetry, and seams of poetic gold repairing my shattered soul, are my inspiration for taking this name under which to write and share my poems.
May you all find your own treasure, and shine like gold.